The Way Past Is Through
While leading an addiction recovery group years ago, I met a shy young client with a quiet voice that she seldom used. After a few weeks, when everyone started feeling comfortable, the other group members put her up to a practical joke. When my back was turned, this timid, soft-spoken young woman leaned in behind me and belted out the most realistic, thundering attack-dog bark I've ever heard. I jumped away so hard that I fell completely out of my seat, taking the chair and white-erase board with me. (No therapists were harmed during the making of this memory.)
It was a humbling yet effective example of how the instinctive human response to pain and fear is to run and hide. That reaction to avoid potential harm or danger is hard-wired into our biology and isn't easily overridden. But while it can keep us safe from dangers on the outside, this avoidance response gets in the way of resolving things on the inside. Emotional pain, grief, relational insecurity, interpersonal conflict, unresolved losses, traumatic memories... Running from these kinds of challenges might offer temporary relief; but over time, it always makes things worse.
Left unchecked, avoidance leads to more avoidance. It becomes a chronic habit that drives us into hiding and progressively shrinks our lives. It cuts us off from the relationships and experiences that we long for, leaving us feeling increasingly trapped, alone, and overwhelmed.
We are capable of working through and overcoming emotional pain and fear; but resolving our internal challenges means walking through the fear, pain, and discomfort that come with them. Facing our fears, grieving losses, acknowledging needs, repairing relationships... These experiences all teach us that the only way past is through.
Which leads me to the understatement of the century... It's not easy.
It takes effort and courage to face the hardships that our more primal biology is telling us to flee. It takes a choice. Or, more accurately, a thousand small choices. Like climbing a mountain or learning an instrument or going to the gym, there are times when the work is difficult. But if we hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other, what we get in the end is worth it.
Once we understand that confronting our pain and fear actually helps to eliminate those feelings and reconnect us to the life we desire, we're able to make the hard choice to face them so that we can get past them. And isn't that the point? To feel and function better? When we do this kind of courageous work, fear loses its power, grief softens into acceptance, shame is replaced by compassion. Facing pain and fear helps us overcome the emotional assumptions that hold us hostage and discover truths that set us free.
Contrary to some assumptions, choosing to face our pain and fear doesn't mean throwing ourselves recklessly into overwhelming emotions or memories and white-knuckling it until we come out the other side. Moving too quickly, without being adequately resourced, is generally more harmful than helpful. Healing our hearts involves caring for our hearts along the way. Like parents helping their children, patience and gentleness are the best ways to help them work through hard things.
And here's an even more encouraging truth... You can do this. Seriously. You can.
You can face your fears. You can walk through the fire. You can work through your pain. You don't have to do it alone. And you don't have to do it all at once. But if you really want to be free, you do have to do it.
So here's my challenge to you: Make a list of the thoughts, feelings, memories, and situations that feel painful, frightening, or otherwise overwhelming. Begin searching for the people and resources you'll need to work through those things. Identify your avoidance habits and start learning better ways to self-soothe and cope with those difficult feelings. Maybe schedule with a therapist or read a few related books and blog posts. Do whatever you need to do to encourage, equip, and empower yourself to lean in to the work.
When you welcome your pain and fear, you welcome growth and freedom.
