When Attachment Becomes Sexualized
Emotional neglect in childhood can have a profound impact on an individual's emotional and relational development and can lead to a variety of negative outcomes in adulthood, including the development of a sexualized attachment style.
Emotional neglect refers to a lack of attention, responsiveness, and emotional engagement from a caregiver or parent during childhood. This can include things like a lack of verbal and nonverbal cues, a lack of affection and physical touch, and a lack of validation or acknowledgement of a child's feelings.
When a child does not receive adequate emotional attention and support from caregivers, they frequently begin to seek it out in other ways. For some individuals, this manifests as a sexualized attachment style in adulthood. They may use sex and sexual relationships as a way to fill an emotional void that was created in childhood.
When those with a history of emotional neglect in childhood have their first sexual encounter, it can be an intense, novel experience of emotional intimacy and relational connectedness. This can result in an assumption that the only way to experience emotionally intimate connection is through sexual interactions.
The conditioned association of sex with attachment security can become increasingly harmful in adulthood, resulting in a pattern of intense, unstable relationships that make it difficult to experience authentic, healthy, fulfilling connection. Repeated relational disappointments lead people to increasingly avoid the emotional vulnerability that’s necessary for developing secure relationships. Compulsive sexual behaviors can soon arise, such as the use of pornography or simultaneously maintaining multiple intimate relationships. And it can leave individuals vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.
Experiences of secure emotionally-based attachment can help to break this association by satisfying our intrinsic emotional-relational needs without sexualized features. As adults, this happens on the inside and on the outside. Within, our consistent practice of attentive self-compassion toward our feeling, emotional selves establishes one of the most important forms of emotional-relational safety. On the outside, we progressively develop healthy, relationships characterized by mutual emotional vulnerability and responsive empathy. It can also be necessary to revisit and reprocess the memories of relational absence, loss, or trauma that we’ve been carrying. Together, these experiences result in new growth, breaking the bonds of a sexualized attachment default.
It's important to note that emotional neglect is not always obvious and can be subtle, but the effects can be just as damaging as physical abuse. It's also important to note that not everyone who has experienced emotional neglect in childhood will develop a sexualized attachment style, and everyone's experiences and coping mechanisms are unique.
If you suspect that you or someone you know may be struggling with the effects of emotional neglect in childhood, help is available. A therapist or counselor can help you make sense of your experience and develop healthier ways to experience the authentic emotional, relational intimacy we all need. Remember that healing and growth are possible and it's never too late to take your next step.
