Swipe Left: Preventing Romance Scams
George was a lonely retiree in his late 60s, just coming out of a painful divorce. He posted something on social media about feeling relieved that it's over. A sympathetic woman named Lyn, who lived in London and had recently friended George, responded with a kind, empathetic comment. She said she was going through something similar. She was pretty and not much younger than George. They started messaging and texting and quickly bonded over their shared experiences. Soon, their correspondence became intimate. They had even begin planning a visit to meet in person. Lyn mentioned, in passing, being excited by a lucrative opportunity through her best friend, a wealthy day-trader. George and Lyn decided to both invest. It felt exciting, like sharing an adventure. But charming, British Lyn was as false as her photo. Soon, she vanished... taking George's money with her.
The story feels almost Shakespearean, doesn't it? From Romeo and Juliet to modern-day Tinder tales, the pursuit of love has always been an emotional rollercoaster. But what happens when Cupid's arrow misses its mark and lands instead in the hands of a cunning scammer? Enter stage left... the Romance Scam.
A Growing Threat, In Your Own Home
The romance scam, also known as the sweetheart scam, is a quickly growing trend in which people are targeted through social media or online dating sites by highly skilled con-artists. It uses the illusion of intimacy to manipulate the emotions and relational needs of vulnerable individuals—often widowed or divorced older adults. Using carefully crafted narratives and interactions that feel deeply affectionate and empathetic, romance scammers instill a convincing sense of relational intimacy and emotional commitment in their victims, blinding them to the warning signs they might normally have recognized.
I've seen, first-hand, highly intelligent, hard working people fall tragically victim to romance scams. Some confessed to losing hundreds of thousands of dollars. All confessed to the shock of an intimate, trust-shattering betrayal.
Our vulnerability to such deception lies in our inescapable emotional need for human connection. Scammers identify people with limited emotional self-awareness and under-developed relational support systems. They then employ sophisticated psychological tactics such as grooming, mirroring, relationally isolating, and love bombing to establish trust and create an emotional bond with their targets.
And, while the financial losses are significant, the emotional impact can be devastating. Victims experience heartbreak, betrayal, and a profound sense of violation. They struggle to rebuild their lives while bearing the weight of pain, embarrassment, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Their hope for love and willingness to trust is replaced by the crushing weight of loss.
At its core, the romance scam is a mind-bending form of emotional and relational violence. And it's reaching epidemic levels. According to data from the Federal Trade Commission, romance scams claimed $139 million from adults age 60 and older in 2020. That's a 60% increase from the $84 million reported the previous year. Last year, 70,000 Americans reported a staggering $1.3 billion in losses. In the past year, romance scams have become the single most reported category of fraud in the United States.
Golden Rules for Preventing Romance Scams
So, how can we protect ourselves and our loved ones from romance scams? While we can't stop con-artists from trying to deceive us, we can protect ourselves from being deceived. Here are three golden rules for preventing romance scams:
1. Don't mix love and money.
While it’s natural to want to help a new flame in distress, there are usually better ways to assist without resorting to handing out cash. Show compassion, care, and empathy. Help them explore potential solutions for their predicament. If they continue to insist that your money is the only answer, that should be concerning.
2. Use a trusted financial advisor.
Why make important financial decisions alone when there are certified experts ready to help? Not to be confused with brokers, financial advisors are affordable, client-centered, and have the expertise to help you make wise financial decisions that prevent unnecessary risks.
3. Prioritize emotional self-awareness and relational support.
Contrary to the old adages, ignorance is not bliss and what you don't know definitely can hurt you—especially when it comes to your emotional and relational life. Invest in your emotional and relational well-being by finding a skilled therapist you feel comfortable with. They can help you cultivate the kind of healthy, satisfying emotional and relational life that's less likely to be tempted by false promises.
If you've already been the target of a romance scam, you are not alone. Reach out to your trusted relationships. Find a qualified therapist. You can recover from those painful losses and resolve the underlying issues made you susceptible to begin with. You need not be stuck feeling ashamed or unsafe. Help is available.
The Take-Away
Benjamin Franklin famously advised, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." If we equip ourselves with a bit of awareness and intentionality, we can safeguard our wallets, our hearts, and our loved ones from the dangers of romance scams. Practice the Three Golden Rules. Spread the word. Share this article. Educate others. Together, we can ensure that hearts, hopes, and bank accounts remain intact, and the pursuit of love is met with joy rather than sorrow.
