The 3 Flavors of Shame
Our childhood experiences shape our expectations for how much we can trust our emotional-relational needs will be satisfied. When those needs are not met, children instinctively scramble to make sense of their circumstances and adapt to them. This is the origin story for maladaptive or toxic shame and why it exists in three primary forms.
Young children naturally see the world as revolving around themselves. In their little egocentric brains, everything they experience is about them. When things happen - good or bad - children see themselves as responsible. When they experience the love of a caregiver, they believe it’s because they're so lovable. When they experience abuse or neglect instead, they assume that they are the problem. This egocentrism causes children to blame themselves when their intrinsic emotional-relational needs aren't met. That's where toxic shame comes from and why shame-based feelings come in three flavors.
Humans are born with three core emotional-relational needs: autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Autonomy develops from experiencing adequate caregiver attentiveness in childhood. This includes validation, support, and guidance for children as they interpret their experiences, share their perspectives, make decisions, and explore their environment. The result is a healthy sense of self-worth, self-confidence, and independence.
When children don't receive enough attentiveness, they assume that they and their experiences must be too insignificant for caregivers to notice or care about. This leads to the first category of toxic shame:
"I'm not worth considering or caring about."
The second need is for relatedness or connectedness. It’s satisfied by the affection received from caregivers. Physical touch, verbal praise, and nonverbal expressions of love all help to resolve separation anxiety and develop a deep sense of attachment security. These and other nurturing interactions that communicate delight teach a child to feel securely enjoyed and enjoyable, liked and likable, desired and desirable.
When children don't receive enough affection from caregivers or when they experience the opposite of affection (e.g. rage, blame, or hatred), they assume they must be too abnormal or too repulsively bad for caregivers to feel affection for or want to be with. This results in the second category of toxic shame:
"I'm too different or bad to enjoy or want."
The third need, competence, is satisfied when children experience consistent caregiver affirmation of their abilities and actions. In this ideal circumstance, children learn to feel capable with an adequately secure sense of control that allows them to see life as an opportunity and themselves as competent participants full of potential.
When children are not supported or affirmed for their actions, they question their abilities and begin to doubt their potential for competence or control in the world. Life looks more like a threat than an opportunity, leading to the third category of toxic shame:
"I'm helpless and out-of-control."
These three lies are the toxic flavors of shame. Each flavor comes from an unmet intrinsic need for attentiveness, affection, or ability/affirmation. The good news is that recognizing and responding to these needs can reverse the curse of toxic shame.
When we're attentive to our emotional experiences and needs as well as the experiences and needs of others we start to feel worth considering and caring about. When we welcome and enjoy ourselves and others, expressing delight and the desire for connection, we start to feel normal and good. When we affirm our abilities and actions and the abilities and actions of others we begin to feel capable with a more confident sense of competence and control in life.
We can help to heal the toxic shame in ourselves and each other by intentionally seeking to meet these three core emotional-relational needs in ourselves and in each other. This is what heals our hearts and opens the door to the emotional intimacy and relational security we were designed for.
